Sometimes, just sometimes you think you have it all figure out. The sun has risen and in that stroke of 24 hours you have figured out the world. No longer is the world controlling you. You know where you stand and how to make something of your life. Until the dark. The dark falls and then comes the doubt, the fear and imminent fate that the days will turn and to follow the world will take over again. It is my hope to fight the night fall, to grasp the pain and push it deep inside. Somewhere along the way I will conquer the night.
Often times I forget when things were perfect and we were happy. If I close my eyes and breathe deeply I can feel those special moments, the smell, the sound of your voice, the touch of your soft hand against my cheek. A time where we had no worries, we were carefree together, falling in love deeper and deeper for each other.
A first love, a sweet kiss, a comforting hug, a subtle touch, a passionate moment…all dissipated with time. But I still stand tall.
I never realized time was moving so quickly turning our story into memories and they would mean so much. In retrospect, I can’t imagine a better time with you or anyone else. My heart holds on to those sweet, sacred moments but my mind must let them go.
To clear my mind is to create a space to grow. I must nurture my soul and build myself up once again. I grew around you, now I have to fill that space where you held me up.
And in the end, I will not fall.
Have you ever experienced a feeling that you couldn’t quite shake? Something overwhelming that you felt with ever fiber of your being. An unidentifiable segment in time that sent you over the edge. It feels almost like the night before Christmas because you’re filled with excitement and anticipation, yet this sensation you’ve felt before returns each time with a nuance forcing new feelings not all joyous, with reservations. The day, the week or the month before a new journey can’t be expressed in simple statements of anticipation, excitement, nervousness or any other singular word. Not simply a feeling, but a deep sensation that penetrates your skin and festers within you, every day you hope it will deplete but it only flourishes. A sensation that becomes a constant reminder of what is to come, rarely does it fade into the background. A few special people and moments fight the sensation allowing a sense of calm into your existence. Those fleeting moments become your only way to function leading up to the moment where you will finally face the source of your anxiety.
I have yet to rid myself of this feeling. Those moments where I find peace are becoming increasingly destitute. Preparing for a new journey in my life and I have yet to find comfort but hopefully this week will hold new encouragement. All I know is that in those small moments I will live where nothing matters but the solace that defeats my burning sensation.
“Tomorrow will be kinder.”