“But when one is alone and it is night and so dark and still that one hears nothing and sees nothing the thoughts which add and subtract the years, and the long row of those disagreeable facts which remorselessly indicate how far the hand of the clock has moved forward the slow, irresistible approach of the wall of darkness which will eventually engulf everythingI love, possess, wish for, hope for and strive for, then all our profundities about life slink off to some undiscoverable hiding place, and fear envelopes the sleepless on like a smothering blanket.”
I read this quote over and over in my head. I took a second and I read it aloud. The words touched my lips and I felt a shiver through my body because not only could I imagine this experience, but I could feel it like it was happening in that exact moment. It was just so beautiful, dark and encompassing all at once.
Lately, I have found myself searching for just a little bit more in my life. Nothing extreme or drastic, but something that I can cling to. I have found that through one of the most dated and magical things our world has. Words, language, books. From something like Carl Jung’s Philosophy’s to the newest indie film that was adapted from a book. Language and words are so special. Communication through words can be almost better than through merely watching a scene unravel. What is so beautiful about language and words is that not only did they mean something to the author but now they are something special to just you. The words transcend the paper and they become pictures and scenes in your mind. You become a character in the book, you feel their pain and their happiness. It not only gives you something to be excited about but it allows you to have an outlet to explore a new world.
To me, these stories give me relief. I need to feel that I have discovered more about the world than just what I see in my own life. When the words jump off the page and dance in my mind I know that is why I read.
Sometimes, just sometimes you think you have it all figure out. The sun has risen and in that stroke of 24 hours you have figured out the world. No longer is the world controlling you. You know where you stand and how to make something of your life. Until the dark. The dark falls and then comes the doubt, the fear and imminent fate that the days will turn and to follow the world will take over again. It is my hope to fight the night fall, to grasp the pain and push it deep inside. Somewhere along the way I will conquer the night.
Often times I forget when things were perfect and we were happy. If I close my eyes and breathe deeply I can feel those special moments, the smell, the sound of your voice, the touch of your soft hand against my cheek. A time where we had no worries, we were carefree together, falling in love deeper and deeper for each other.
A first love, a sweet kiss, a comforting hug, a subtle touch, a passionate moment…all dissipated with time. But I still stand tall.
I never realized time was moving so quickly turning our story into memories and they would mean so much. In retrospect, I can’t imagine a better time with you or anyone else. My heart holds on to those sweet, sacred moments but my mind must let them go.
To clear my mind is to create a space to grow. I must nurture my soul and build myself up once again. I grew around you, now I have to fill that space where you held me up.
Have you ever experienced a feeling that you couldn’t quite shake? Something overwhelming that you felt with ever fiber of your being. An unidentifiable segment in time that sent you over the edge. It feels almost like the night before Christmas because you’re filled with excitement and anticipation, yet this sensation you’ve felt before returns each time with a nuance forcing new feelings not all joyous, with reservations. The day, the week or the month before a new journey can’t be expressed in simple statements of anticipation, excitement, nervousness or any other singular word. Not simply a feeling, but a deep sensation that penetrates your skin and festers within you, every day you hope it will deplete but it only flourishes. A sensation that becomes a constant reminder of what is to come, rarely does it fade into the background. A few special people and moments fight the sensation allowing a sense of calm into your existence. Those fleeting moments become your only way to function leading up to the moment where you will finally face the source of your anxiety.
I have yet to rid myself of this feeling. Those moments where I find peace are becoming increasingly destitute. Preparing for a new journey in my life and I have yet to find comfort but hopefully this week will hold new encouragement. All I know is that in those small moments I will live where nothing matters but the solace that defeats my burning sensation.
Facebook, LinkedIn, Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, Keek, YouTube, Pinterest and various blogging sites are not only taking over our data allowance each month on our smart phones, but they’re also taking over the world. Yes, I said it, taking over the world. The management of these sites is time consuming and often times rather confusing. How does one keep up anymore? The weight of your friends sharing, liking, following, commenting and retweeting your posts means too much to people. While these sites originated to create an online network to connect with people it’s become so much more. The sheer capacity for reach on Facebook, Twitter and Google+ generate some of the largest marketing campaigns and engagement companies ever see. Once vastly unknown, social media has sprung forward into one of the most important aspects in people’s lives as well as businesses. There now is a whole new world of social media marketing that has become part of the reason social media apps and sites keep popping up, forcing us to join this and download that.
Each of which, most likely, making you feel more inadequate and unhappy about your life while peeping into everyone else’s lives where they seem perfect. Every 6 second video, new picture or 140 characters tell us how much better their lives are than ours. Our world is running on these sites; forcing us all to keep up. We wake up, check every social media site, have breakfast, post about your unexpectedly horrible morning or post a selfie for everyone to see how good you look, then you go to work, post about your horrible boss or your morning coffee compliments of your workplace and then your day goes on revolving around similar posts by your friends and family. This is not to say that social media is a bad thing but honestly how do we manage all of these different sites. Recently I discovered Klout an app and website that calculates your impact on the world through your social media sites. Not only does this help you to determine how insightful and unimportant you are to your friends it’s beginning to be used as a form of resume in some professions. Your Klout score compiled though the database that calculates each of your social media sites and the amount of activity you generate can be as high as 100. Actors, singers and the like all range in the high 80-100 while the general population scores a much lower score. Some jobs require a high score, as it reflects on your impact in the world. If you ask me that’s a pretty grim way to determine how important you are to the world. It all comes back to the my initial question how can we all keep up?
As I have grown up technology has done the same. We’ve expanded our communities, integrated new skills, developed exciting characteristics and greatest of all; we both strive to be greater. As a college student I have evaluated my possible careers and as a marketing major I see so much possibility in the world of technology. The mass amount of people you can reach through the simple press of a button is only possibly because of technological advances. Currently, I use technology to express myself through my feelings, my pictures and my art. I also utilize technology in my job as an intern integrating and executing marketing plans through social media to reach customers on all levels in the technological world. Luckily, those tasks don’t feel like a job to me because it is so fascinating to me that this post might reach thousands of people. It is enticing, inspiring and challenging all at once.
The moment I wanted to give up and go back to my old ways I didn’t, I stopped myself and remembered, I wasn’t happy where I started so why would it make me happy now? I am comfortable, my challenge is to be uncomfortable. The only way to do that is to be better.